NOW IT IS THE BEGINNING OF A FANTASTIC STORY! LET US MAKE A JOURNEY TO THE CAVE OF MONSTERS!

What it's from: Bubble Bobble
The context: This is the written introduction to the game.
Comments: The inclusion of Bubble Bobble on this list was kind of a difficult choice. After all, no hardcore Bubble Bobble fan would ever consider the NES version to be the quintessential version of the game and including it would potentially open me up to undue criticism for not including quotes from other arcade ports such as Donkey Kong and Bad Dudes. The difference, of course, is that those NES titles were fairly inconsequential whereas Bubble Bobble helped to define the console. Sure, the graphics aren't as good as the arcade version. True, the sound is inferior. And yes, there are power-ups and secret levels that have been removed. But Bubble Bobble offered one of the best co-op experiences on the NES, and for that reason alone its prologue deserves inclusion.

I DRINK TO PREPARE FOR A FIGHT. TONIGHT I AM VERY PREPARED!

What it's from: Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
The context: Soda Popinski taunts Little Mac between the rounds of their bout.
Comments: Don't let the "POP" label on that bottle fool you, Soda Popinski ain't fucking drinking Coca-Cola, he's drinking Stoli. I can say this with full confidence because Soda Popinski originally appeared in the 1985 arcade game Super Punch-Out, where he fought under his real name, Vodka Drunkenski. When the game came to the NES, Nintendo of America decided to censor his name. This was done not because it was an offensive racial stereotype, Punch-Out had those in spades, but because his alcohol-related name might corrupt teh childrens. And yet, they didn't bother to change any of his catchphrases, all of which refer to his massive drinking problem. So when Popinski says he's very prepared, he doesn't mean he's hopped up on sugar and caffeine; he's completely fucking sauced.

EASTMOST PENNINSULA IS THE SECRET

What it's from: The Legend of Zelda
The context: Link finds a senile old man in the game's first dungeon.
Comments: Some of the messages you'd get in The Legend of Zelda were quite esoteric, the product of both poor English and intentional vagueness. Quotes like "10TH ENEMY HAS THE BOMB" and "THERE'S A SECRET IN THE TIP OF THE NOSE" left many gamers scratching their heads, but the most famous indecipherable Zelda quote is the one uttered by the old man in the first dungeon about an eastern peninsula. As it turns out, he was referring to the only false wall in the Hyrule overworld, a secret I didn't know about until I accidentally found it on some random gaming site in 1998. And then, the coveted Second Quest Blue Ring was finally mine.

SORRY, I'M DEAD.

What it's from: Monster Party
The context: Mark and Bert confront the game's second boss, but he's already dead.
Comments: Nowhere close to enough people apologize for dying. Vincent Price should apologize. Heath Ledger should apologize. Eddy Guerrero should apologize. And my grandfathers should apologize too, because I miss them.

Oh, it's terrible! The King has been transformed! Please find the Magic Wand so we can change him back.

What it's from: Super Mario Bros. 3
The context: Mario arrives at a castle and finds that a Koopaling has turned the king into an animal and stolen his wand.
Comments: It's been about three years since I've had to look at this message... I'm a lazy fuck and I usually just grab both the whistles in World 1 and warp to World 8.

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