GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE, YOU NERD!

What it's from: Bionic Commando
The context: In the neutral zone Area 16, you encounter an enemy soldier who doesn't like you very much.
Comments: How dare you, sir! I may like video games, but that doesn't make me a fucking nerd. I'm into all sorts of other stuff that is both bodaciously cool and radically awesome. First example, Monty Python. Second example, the musical stylings of DragonForce. Also, the collectible card game Magic: The Gathering. You see that, motherfucker? I am one swingin' cat!
Complete lie: This line is a well-documented victim of Nintendo of America censorship. The original line was: "Get the fuck out of here, you cocksmoker, or I will cut out your eyes with my pocket knife and while you lay suffering in a pool of your own blood and vomit, I will track down your family, transform into a giant demon covered in swastikas, and tentacle rape every last one of them."

WHAT DO YA SAY! TRY BUYING FROM ME.

What it's from: Kid Icarus
The context: Pit enters one of several shops in the game.
Comments: This line is most likely intended as a helpful suggestion, but I always interpreted it as a dare. You know, like I can *try* to buy from him but maybe he's not in the mood to sell his wares to the likes of me. You know, now that I think of it, he probably *is* daring me. Starting with that guy in Legend of Zelda, the shopkeepers in Nintedo's games generally tend to be complete assholes. Don't even get me started on Tom Nook from Animal Crossing. That sneaky motherfucker tricks you into buying a house then forces you into slavery to pay it off. Hey Tom Nook, I'm from America, and we have this thing called the Thirteenth Amendment that outlaws slavery. Fuck you, Tom Nook, and fuck Animal Crossing. That game is nothing but pointless grinding.

BERNARD! DON'T BE A TUNA HEAD!

What it's from: Maniac Mansion
The context: You select Bernard as a party member, and he totally tries to bail on you in the opening cut scene. Fucking pansy.
Comments: This insult actually wasn't the result of Nintendo of America censorship and appears in all versions of the game. However, when Dave asks for money at the end of the game and Dr. Fred calls him a tuna head, that *is* the result of NOA censorship; Dr. Fred originally called him a smartass. At any rate, it's a shame that this insult never really caught on, it really had potential. In recent years, I've tried to revive the phrase by superimposing it over promotion stills of Lost, the award-winning serial television drama:

Sadly, it hasn't worked.

Hold RESET while you turn POWER off!

What it's from: Final Fantasy
The context: Your party spends a night at one of the game's inns.
Comments: Most of the NES games with internal batteries reminded you to hold down reset while you shut the power off, but none were as harassing about it as Final Fantasy. Every goddam time you went to an inn to heal, the clerk at the desk would save your game and remind you to hold reset while you shut off the power. And boy, was it annoying. I DON'T WANT TO STOP PLAYING RIGHT NOW! I JUST WANT TO REFILL MY FUCKING HP AND GO FIGHT ASTOS, YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAG!

LET'S PLAY MONEY MAKING GAME.

What it's from: The Legend of Zelda
The context: Links meets an old man with a serious gambling problem.
Comments: The gambling in The Legend of Zelda always seemed rather pointless to me. Money was easy to obtain, what with all those Moblins giving secrets to everybody, so playing a game where you could lose up to 40 Rupees in one try hardly seemed worth the risk.

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