OUCH! WHAT DO YOU DO?

What it's from: Goonies II
The context: You hit a friendly character with your fist.
Comments: Christianity says that people are inherently good and that deep down we all want to do the right thing. Video games prove the opposite is true. When Tokimeki Check-in presents you with the game options of "Rape Ayumi" and "Don't Rape Ayumi", it's only a matter of time before curiosity gets the better of you and you rape her. And on a slightly darker note, when Goonies II puts a defenseless eskimo or a barely mobile old man in front of you and gives you the option to hit them, well, you're probably going to hit them. Why? Because you're a prick. The fact that they don't speak great English probably doesn't help either.

BERLIN AT NIGHT... AN IRON CURTAIN JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.

What it's from: Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode
The context: Cherry Grace gives you a briefing in a Berlin hotel room that quickly turns into a debriefing, if you know what I mean. (S-E-X!)
Comments: Golgo 13, with its implied sexual liaison with a FIXER liaison, is the only NES game worth a damn where anything even remotely close to nudity occurs. That's right Bubble Bath Babes, you may have actual nudity, but you are fucking terrible.

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD.

What it's from: Friday the 13th
The context: Jason, his mom, and their limitless army of zombies and wolves have killed all six playable characters.
Comments: When I post this screenshot on my ex-girlfriend's MySpace, the courts don't consider it a compelling threat against her life since it's from a video game. And that's why the American legal system, while it may punish your aggressors, can't protect you from being brutally murdered and dumped in a shallow grave with your two best friends.

BUY SOMETHIN' WILL YA!

What it's from: The Legend of Zelda
The context: Link enters one of several shops in the Hyrule overworld.
Comments: In the real world, most small business owners fucking hate loitering, and they will throw you out of their stores if you hang around for too long without buying anything. In the magical land of Hyrule, the same thing is generally true, except that loitering is defined as any period of time exceeding five seconds where you have stood in a store and failed to purchase anything. The shopkeeper has better things to do than stand around waiting for your sorry ass to decide whether or not you're going to buy bombs. Stop being an asshole!

I'm invincible!

What it's from: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
The context: After you destroy the penultimate boss's robotic body, he taunts you and escapes.
Comments: Years before Goldeneye's Boris Grishenko turned boastful claims of invincibility into commonplace household conversation, Krang was using the exact same shtick. Only Krang was *actually* invincible, which was complete bullshit. You got to "kill" every other major villain in the game, including the Turtles' archnemesis Shredder, why not Krang? It's not fair! This may be an arcade port, but the NES version managed to do something that the arcade game couldn't: properly place its text bubbles.

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