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What it's from: Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
The context: A man in the town of Ruto introduces himself to you.
Comments: Error's not just a programming joke; he's a *pivotal* charactor in Zelda II. Once you reach the harbor town of Mido, a man tells you that Error can help you find the next palace. So then you go talk to Error and he imparts the following wisdom: "SOUTH OF KINGS TOMB IN MIDO IS A TUNNEL." And without that information, you would never ever ever find the third palace. Well, unless of course you're *not* a lazy fuck who refuses to explore the map on their own. If that's the case, you probably would've find the palace without Error and without any problems whatsoever.


A Slime draws near! Command?

What it's from: Dragon Warrior
The context: You encounter the easiest enemy in the game.
Comments: If you've never fought a Slime before, you are a callow, soulless human being and an extremely poor excuse for a gamer. Go play your gay little Madden NFL games and get the fuck off my site.


1997, October 1, The END DAY.

What it's from: Crystalis
The context: This is the opening line to the game's opening cut scene.
Comments: The Legend of Zelda may be the most well-received action-oriented RPG on the NES, but it wasn't actually the best; that honor goes to Crystalis. Crystalis was bigger, prettier, more complex, and had a much more detailed storyline that actively engaged you throughout the game. Sure, the game's post-apocalyptic vision was something right out of Basic Manga Storylines 101, but it was still awesome, especially to an American audience who at the time, were not particularly familiar with Japanese conventions and cliches. Crystalis's tale of a world destroyed by nuclear holocaust was quite striking, especially since the date of its armageddon, October 1, 1997, was only seven years removed from the game's release date. And no matter how fast you mashed the start button to get the to title screen, you'd always see that date flash on the screen before your request to skip the opening story seqence was accepted. When the game's prophecy failed to come true, it was sort of disappointing; Crystalis was just that awesome.



What it's from: Bionic Commando
The context: Moments after his resurrection, Master-D, who is sooo not Adolf Hitler, taunts you.
Comments: There really should be a lot more video games were you get to kill that bastard Hitler, especially ones where you get to blow his head up with a rocket launcher. As a means to this end, I recently created a Facebook group called Hitler Should Be The End Boss In Every Game Ever. If I can get enough people to join, I just know Capcom will stop ignoring my e-mails about inserting Professor Hitler into the Resident Evil franchise. They'd have to. I mean, it's not like companies can just completely ignore online petitions, right? There's certainly no historical precedent for it...



What it's from: Kid Icarus
The context: Pit enters a hospital after being cursed by an Eggplant Wizard in a fortress stage.
Comments: Aside from the indestructible Plutons and Plutonflies that steal your items, Eggplant Wizards are easily the most annoying enemy in Kid Icarus. They throw those stupid little high-arching eggplants at you, and if you get hit, you get turned into an eggplant yourself. And since non-wizard eggplants don't have arms, that means you can't fire your bow. And since Nintendo is a cruel and sadistic master, the eggplant curse doesn't wear off over time. So you have to wander through the fortress until you find its hosptal. If you do, a nurse will remove the eggplant curse for you. What she won't do, however, is refill your life gauge. And here I thought that's what hospitals were for.