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What it's from: Super Mario Bros.
The context: Mario finds one of the game's three warp zones.
Comments: The warp zones in Super Mario were both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, the allowed you to quickly access your favorite levels over and over. On the other hand, they allowed you to quickly advance to the game's final world, significantly cutting down the amount of time and skill required to beat the game.


A magic spell?

What it's from: Final Fantasy
The context: Talking brooms that work for the blind witch Matoya tell you how to access the world map.
Comments: It took me longer than I care to admit to realize that these fuckers were talking backwards.


Just a girl. Get out of here!

What it's from: Ninja Gaiden
The context: After defeating the first boss, Ryu Hayabusa starts talking to himself, trying to piece things together. Suddenly his ninja sense tingles: someone else is in the room! Ryu readies himself for battle, but then he sees that the new arrival is female and therefore does not pose any threat to him, which he makes a point of saying. Then she shoots him with a tranquilizer dart.
Comments: Before I played this game, it never occurred to me that I shouldn't belittle women and write them off as harmless. But now that I've been awakened to the possibility that any given girl could be hiding some sort of firearm in her purse, waiting for me to say something so disrepectful that her high-powered NOW lawyers can convince a jury that she was completely justified in shooting me, I no longer demean women with my words. No, now I just leer.



What it's from: Duck Hunt
The context: You let up to two ducks escape, probably because you're a limp-wristed PETA-loving moron. The dog is gonna laugh at you.
Comments: Duck Hunt is supposed to be a light-hearted game about teamwork. You play the role of a heroic hunter proudly protecting the American skies from a dangerous onslaught of evil fascist ducks with the help of your trusty dog. It is the perfect partnership; you blast the ducks out of the sky and your dog snaps their slender, sexy necks to make sure they're dead. Occasionally, you will fail your country and let one of those freedom-hating ducks escape. When that happens, it's time to man up, stop pretending that you can aim, and stand three inches away from the television screen.



What it's from: The Legend of Zelda
The context: You uncover a "secret room" that's actually more of a "private residence".
Comments: Once you discover that there are secret rooms in The Legend of Zelda, there's a strong temptation to bomb the fuck out of every rock and burn down every tree in the hope that you might find another Heart Container. And while I certainly support this strategy, it is not without its perils. See, every so often you'll discover a hidden passage and instead of finding free stuff or a medicine shop, you'll find a cranky old man who demands that you buy a new door and proceeds to take 20 of your Rupees. Money isn't hard to come by in this game though, so it's not a big deal. At least, it wouldn't be if that bastard actually bothered to fix it. Look old man, fair is fair, and I don't mind paying for damages that I caused, but if you're going to get all hysterical just because I kinda sorta accidentally bombed your house, then how about you FIX THE GODDAM DOOR THAT YOU CHARGED ME FOR. I'm saving up for a Blue Ring, and if you're not going to spend my money on a new door then I just might beat it back out of you.