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Nintendo Fun Club.
I hold your city captive & Ryan's girlfriend hostage.
What it's from: River City Ransom
The context: This is the written introduction to the game.
Comments: The introduction to River City Ransom is completely awesome. Not only does Slick talk as though taking over River City and kidnapping Ryan's girlfriend are equally dastardly, but he breaks the fourth wall by referring to the "evil bosses" who work for him. No one talks like that in real life. Cronies, henchmen, lieutenants, these are all acceptable terms. But evil bosses? Come on now. Also, and I'm speaking directly to Slick now, a postscript is supposed to be an additional thought, sentence, phrase, or paragraph added to the bottom of a letter that has already been signed by the writer. If you haven't signed the letter yet, then you shouldn't be marking your closing thought as a postscript. It's called Composition 101, asshole, look into it.
IT'S A SECRET TO EVERYBODY.
What it's from: The Legend of Zelda
The context: Link finds a hidden room where a Moblin gives him free Rupees.
Comments: The sort of exclusivity promised by this friendly Moblin simply doesn't exist. Oh sure, he'll tell you that nobody else knows about the free rupees, but the truth is that his cave hasn't been a goddam secret to *anybody* since the end of 1987. I don't know about you, but I fucking hate it when people lie to me to make me feel special. Like my senior prom date, that fucking slut.
HIDE PETER HIDE AWK! DO ME SO FAR, DO ME?
What it's from: StarTropics
The context: In Chapter 5, you give a parrot a worm and he gives you a clue as to what you're supposed to do next.
Comments: I'm fairly confident that the last thing I'd ever want to do is hide my peter in a parrot and do him, do him so far. You could hold a gun to my head and tell me to fuck the fucking parrot or else, and I'd save you the trouble and pull the trigger myself. But as it turns out, StarTropics has absolutely nothing to do with bird-fucking. It turns out that the parrot isn't saying "doo" as in "Do the Mario!", he's saying "doe" as in Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do, and he's telling you what to do with Captain Bell's giant organ. It's only slightly less gay than it sounds.
You need peace of mind. I will meditate with you.
What it's from: Faxanadu
The context: Rather than save files, the game uses a password system. To get a password, you must visit a guru and meditate with him.
Comments: You know what would give me fucking peace of mind? If I didn't have to copy down a password comprised of up to 32 characters every time I felt like shutting my Nintendo off. I'll never understand why every fucking game released after The Legend of Zelda didn't have battery saves. Was it really that expensive? You're lucky you're an awesome game Faxanadu, or I never would have put up with your password bullshit.
WHERE'S Dr. WILEY?... OH NO, TOO LATE.
What it's from: Mega Man 3
The context: After Mega Man defeats Dr. Wily and Gamma, Skull Castle begins to collapse. Dr. Wily is seemingly crushed to death by a giant stone block, while Mega Man is knocked unconscious. Shortly thereafter, the enigmatic Proto Man shows up looking for Dr. Wily, but only finds his fallen brother. Proto Man brings Mega Man to Dr. Light's lab, then quickly disappears.
Comments: This ending leaves me with so many unanswered questions. Did Proto Man arrive to save Dr. Wily, or to kill him? And what was Proto Man "too late" for? Does he assume that he was too late to stop Wily from escaping? Did he see Wily get crushed and is upset that he was too late to save the man who fixed his fatal design flaw? Is he lamenting the fact that he was too late to save his brother from serious injury? But more importantly, why in the fuck is the "R" in abbreviated form of "doctor" the only uncapitalized letter in the entire fucking game? And how in the blue hell did Capcom manage to misspell the name of the game's primary antagonist? We may never get satisfactory answers to any of these questions. How will we sleep at night?