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11/03/24: Hey look, I made you some content. Daddy made you your favorite, open wide.
10/01/17: The 124th article is up. Well, up... ish. I'm working on it, dammit!
Index: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Berzerk: The Board Game
One of the greatest video games of 1980 is also a board game. But is that board game any good?
I'm obviously not gonna tell you in the fucking description. Give me those sweet, sweet clicks!
6 NES Games That Are Better Than Their Remakes
Here in 2024, the video games you love are constantly being remade, reloaded, reimagined, rearmed, and rehashed.
But newer isn't always better. Here are some NES games that still hold up better than their remakes.
Syd Lexia on Crystalis
It's the 20th anniversary of END DAY, so let's talk about Crystalis.
This article is still under construction.
Christmas at Kris Lexia’s: Beauty and the Beast Style
Kris Lexia reviews Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas
WARNING: This article contains prolonged discussion about large organs.
Random Musings: The Legend of Zelda
Syd pontificates on the first Legend of Zelda game, about nothing in particular.
In loving memory of Raymond Scott Bishop, 1993-2014.
Ten Years: A Retrospective
In honor of the site's tenth anniversary, here's a 50,000 word retrospective.
That, or it's a Kris Lexia article about Neopets toys from McDonalds.
Kris Lexia's Snackoween Spooktacular
And now for something completely different, here's Syd's sister eating Halloween-themed foods.
Also featured inside: ghosts. (Not really.)
Syd Lexia on Abadox
Abadox is the story of a design team's bizarre eye fetish. This is not a joke.
Also featured inside: ghosts.
Pong: Violent, Sexist, and Vile
Sexism in video games is quite the hot-button issue. We must fight it.
One problem: how do you fight a video game tradition that's almost as old as video games themselves?
Bart's Nightmare: A Review By Valdronius
Bart's Nightmare is, if nothing else, a reasonably pretty game.
To find out if it is nothing else, try reading this review by Valdronius.
Nine Simple Truths That Mega Man Proved Wrong
There are things you know that are not as known as you know them to be.
Mega Man's adventures on the NES will teach you this. QUESTION EVERYTHING.
Super Mario CCD: Legend Of The Seven Deadly Sins
According to the Catholic Church, there are Seven Deadly Sins that one can commit.
Super Mario, often cited as a paragon of virtue, is guilty of all of them.
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NES Launch '85: A Look At The First Games For The Nintendo Entertainment System
The Nintendo Entertainment System just turned 25 years old.
In celebration of this tremendous anniversary, here's a look back at the system's launch games.
DuckTales Is Impossible And Reality As We Know It Is A Giant Fucking Lie
You probably remember Capcom's DuckTales game for the NES as being really fun and fairly easy.
Well, it wasn't. It was impossible. Also: reality is a lie.
Syd Lexia vs. The Addams Family Cereal
This article is dedicated to the dearly departed Raul Julia, who played Gomez in the only two Addams Family movies that matter.
Hopefully I'll be seeing him soon.
Syd Lexia vs. Cabbage Patch Kids Cereal
Jesus Christ. Cabbage Patch Kids Cereal. Seriously?
I really do not want to eat this.
Syd Lexia vs. Slimer And The Real Ghostbusters Cereal
When I'm eating expired cereal, in your neighborhood... who ya gonna call?
THE PARAMEDICS!
Syd Lexia vs. Bill & Ted's Excellent Cereal
Hey, I bet you won't dare me to eat some cereal from 1990. Go ahead, dare me. Come on!
Whatever, I'm gonna do it anyway.
10 Things On The NES That I Really Didn't Need To See
Because Ryan's naked ass was one naked dude ass too many.
WARNING: May contain cat anus.
The 100 Greatest Virtual Boy Games Ever
You've waited patiently for the next epic list from SydLexia.com. Finally, here it is.
The 100 Greatest Virtual Boy Games Ever!!!
His Name Is Rob Paulsen.
Your favorite cartoon characters cannot speak for themselves. They are voiced by real people with real names.
The man who voiced Yakko Warner has a name. His name is Robert Paulsen.
Happy Birthday/Anniversary Emily!
Three years, baby! Your parents said we'd never make it, but we did it! WE FUCKING DID IT!
Just kidding. This is Lessons Learned From Are You Afraid of the Dark, Season 7.
Lessons Learned From Are You Afraid of the Dark, Season 6
Just as Are You Afraid of the Dark? returned after a hiatus in 1999, Lessons Learned has returned after a hiatus in 2009.
Get ready for the learniest lessons you'll ever learn. ALSO INSIDE: Elisha Cuthbert eating a sandwich.
Metroid: A Blind Run By Valdronius
Up until recently, Valdronius had never played the original Metroid. We can either kill him, or read about his blind run of the game.
I like Valdronius, so why don't we at least give the non-murder option a chance?
Syd Lexia on All Night Nippon Super Mario Bros.
For his 100th article, Syd reviews a rare Mario title that was designed as a promotional item for a Japanese radio program.
In this game, Mario rescues All Night Nippon DJs from King Koopa, with a little help from his trusty Star of David. No, seriously.
A Salute To PrintMaster Plus 2.0
Back in the good old days, print shop programs were cutting edge technology.
These days, you have to be borderline retarded to buy one. This article is about the good old days.
Come To The Dark Side, We Have Cookies.
In this exercise, I eat a box of Star Wars Cookies from 1983 and see what happens.
Three years later, I die of cancer. Scientists attribute my death to "being a complete fucking idiot".
Contra: The Man's Guide To Fucking Like A Porn Star
What better way to follow Valdronius than with an article comparing Contra to sexual intercourse?
This analogy is not at all obtuse. This is the greatest thing I have ever written.
Impossible Mission: The Story Of A Research Paper
According to Valdronius, playing the classic Commodore 64 game Impossible Mission is a lot like writing a research paper.
Personally, I believe him. Check it out.
Who Watches The Watchmen?
This is either a review of the greatest graphic novel ever written, or a review of some Game & Watch games.
Either way, some of you will be disappointed.
