DuckTales Is Impossible And Reality As We Know It Is A Giant Fucking Lie

      Last night, I sat down to play one of my favorite NES games, Capcom's DuckTales. I thought I would have fun playing it; I distinctly remember the game being fun. I fondly recall bouncing around on Uncle Scrooge's pogo cane, collecting gems, saving Bubba Duck, finding hidden treasures on the Moon and in the African mines, fighting Magica De Spell and the Beagle Boys, and abusing Launchpad's servitude to bolster my score. Oh, and I remember the music on the Moon being completely fucking badass. Well, things didn't go quite as I expected, not by a fucking long shot. The Moon music was just as awesome as I remembered, but everything else was a complete clusterfuck. Instead of having a fun evening of 8-bit retrogaming, I found myself faced with two soul-crushing revelations: DuckTales is completely impossible and reality as we currently understand it to exist is a giant fucking lie. I need you to understand that I never meant to discover these truths, and I want to stress how badly I wish they weren't true. But they are, and I must share them. In the paragraphs below, I will systematically prove that DuckTales is impossible, which I will use to subsequently prove reality is a lie. If you would prefer to feebly cling to your belief that the reality we know is sound and true, I suggest you stop reading now.


You Cannot Win The Final Race Against Flintheart Glomgold

      At the end of DuckTales, you are forced to venture to Transylvania and confront Dracula Duck, who has stolen all of Scrooge's treasure. Once the vampiric mallard is defeated, Flintheart Glomgold, The Second Richest Duck in the World, appears and challenges you to a race for the priceless loot. Unfortunately, this race is completely unwinnable. In order to overtake Glomgold, you must first match his position. However, when you reach the position he was previously at, he's already moved ahead. Then, when you get to his new position, he has advanced further still. Thus, it is impossible to best Glomgold, because he keeps on moving. This is largely irrelevant, however, because you will never even make it to this point in the game.

FUN FACT: Glomgold was South African in the Scrooge comics. He became Scottish in the cartoon due to the controversy surrounding South Africa in the 80s.


You Cannot Complete A Single Level

      There are five levels to choose from in DuckTales, but it doesn't matter which one you pick; you won't complete a single one. Assume for a minute that each level in DuckTales has an ending point, because it does. Before you can make it to that point, you must make it halfway there. However, before you can make it halfway to the end point, you must move half of that distance, which is a quarter of the total distance. And before you can advance a quarter of the way there, you must first move an eighth of the total distance. There is no distance that cannot be divided in half: one-sixteenth, one-thirty-second, one-sixty-fourth, and so on, ad infinitum. Since you must move an unlimited number of distances to reach the end point of any given level, you will never actually reach the end point. Perhaps, if you had infinite time, you might eventually reach the end point. Sadly, you don't; the timer is very finite, and it will run out long before you reach your goal.


Movement Is Not Even Possible

      As if being unable to complete a single level in DuckTales wasn't frustrating enough, things get worse: you can't even fucking move. Consider, if you will, the example of Scrooge bouncing on his pogo cane. For motion to occur, Scrooge must change the position he occupies. In any single instant, if Scrooge is in motion, he must either move to where he is or move to where he is not. Scrooge cannot move to where he is, because he's already there. Likewise, he cannot move to where he's not, because an instant is but a single temporal frame, not unlike a photograph. Since movement is not possible in a single instant of time, movement is not possible in ANY instant of time. Hence, it is physically impossible to make Scrooge advance even a single pixel.


DuckTales Is Impossible; DuckTales Must Be Beaten

      Now that we've sufficiently established that DuckTales is impossible, we are presented with a problem: there exists DuckTales 2, a direct sequel to the game. In order for DuckTales 2 to exist, the original game must logically be allowed to reach a resolution. Since necessity now dictates that we cannot define DuckTales as impossible, we must refine our assumptions. It is not mathematically possible to beat DuckTales. It is not physically possible to beat DuckTales. It is not humanly possible to beat DuckTales. And yet, it is assured that DuckTales will be completed. Given those restrictions, there is only one reasonable conclusion that we can make...


Only An Omnipotent Being Can Beat DuckTales

      If it is not possible to beat DuckTales under the supposed rules of our universe, then only an omnipotent being can complete the game. Omnipotent beings, by the very virtue of being omnipotent, can overcome physical and finite limitations to achieve things that would normally be considered impossible.


I Can Beat DuckTales, Therefore I Am Omnipotent

      As we've just established, only an omnipotent being can complete DuckTales. Since I have completed DuckTales on many occasions, it occurs to me that I must be omnipotent. I'm sure you're a little surprised to learn this, but I'm not; I've had sneaking suspicions all along. I am not going to suggest to you that I am the Biblical God, but I am undoubtedly a god nonetheless. And you shall serve me. Consider this my first official proclamation as your New And Improved One True God With Stain-Removing Action:

People of the Internet! I stand before the Great Eye of the Galaxy, chosen by destiny to receive the powers of Ceiling Cat! This inevitable moment will transpire before your eyes, even as Seanbaby himself bears witness to it. Now I, Syd Lexia, am Master of the Universe! YES! Yes, I feel it, the power fills me. Yes, I feel the universe within me! I am a part of the cosmos! The power flows, flows through me! Of what consequence are you now? This planet, these people, they are NOTHING to me! The universe is power! Real, unstoppable POWER! And I am that force! I am that power! Kneel before your master! Fools! You are no longer my equal! I am more than man! More than life! I am a GOD! Now... you... will... kneel! KNEEEEL!

FUN FACT: I can beat DuckTales on an actual NES cartridge too.


I Can Create Problems I Cannot Solve, Therefore I Am Not Omnipotent

      If I am truly omnipotent, I should be able to resolve any given situation in any particular way that I desire. For instance, if I decide to send Scrooge McDuck careening into a bottomless pit, I should be able to grant him a reprieve at the last second and return him to solid ground. And yet, I cannot. I tried, three times in a row, to save Scrooge from certain death and all I got for my troubles was a GAME OVER screen. An omnipotent being would be able to bend the game to their will. Since I cannot, I cannot possibly be omnipotent. So um, I guess I rescind my previous proclamation. What I thought was the power of the universe flowing through me must have just been indigestion. You can still worship me though, if you want. At the very least, you can send me tithes.


I Cannot Be Both Omnipotent And Impotent, Therefore I Cannot Exist

      Okay, now we've got a serious problem. If I can beat DuckTales, then I am omnipotent. I can beat DuckTales, therefore I am omnipotent. But, there are demonstrable limits to my power, so therefore I am not omnipotent. In fact, in many situations, I am completely powerless. As a result, I concurrently exist as both omnipotent and not omnipotent. Since this is not logically possible, I cannot logically exist. But I do exist! I know I do. I am self-aware, and that's the only reasonable standard for existing that any of us have. If you believe you exist, and others reaffirm this belief, then you exist. I meet this criterion, so I am fully confident I exist. So then, how can I exist when it is illogical for me to exist? The shocking truth lies below. Please be forewarned, you may not be ready to know the truth. Once you have been awakened to the truth, your life will never be the same, and it will never be as happy as it previously was. If you are especially happy or especially depressed, please close this page now. Your life will be much richer and more fulfilling without the truth.


Our Current Reality Is Not The True Reality

      Since I exist against logic, we must concede that logic does not apply in our current reality. What exactly does this mean? Simple: reality as we know it is a complete fucking lie. We are most certainly trapped in some sort of false reality where logic can be circumvented. You've seen The Matrix, right? How about Inception? Vanilla Sky? Total Recall? Each one of those movies offers a viable solution as to what's really going on here. Maybe we're trapped in a giant virtual life simulation while robots harvest our bodies for heat. Maybe this reality is a shared dream. Maybe you're all part of a lucid dream designed to entertain me while I cryosleep. Maybe I'm the victim of a recreational false memory implant gone horribly wrong and I'm slowly being lobotomized in a chair at Rekall as you read this. I know what you're thinking: "Syd, what the fuck is wrong with you? What are the chances that a popular Hollywood movie discovered the horrible truth about reality as we know it?" Pretty good, actually. Assume for a second that this reality is some sort of dream. When you're in a dream, watching a movie that explicitly tells you that you're in a dream is EXACTLY the sort of tricky bullshit your subconscious likes to pull on you. So the fact that most of us are at least dimly aware of all four of those movies is highly suspect. And let me ask you this, which is more likely: that I can simultaneously exist as both all-powerful and powerless, or that the reality built around us is a cheap facade meant to keep us trapped and complacent? If you said the former, you're wrong, and I feel sorry for you. Enjoy the lie for as long as you can. If you said the latter, you're absolutely correct. Come with me - it's time to wake up.


Posted by: Syd Lexia