May The Force Be With Me: Syd Lexia vs. 1983 Star Wars Cookies
A long time ago in a factory in Connecticut... STAR WARS COOKIES! Wow, what a horrible fucking opening line. I mean seriously, the "long time ago" joke has been beaten into the ground, raped, and left for dead so many times that only the most creatively bankrupt of writers would ever consider using it. Then again, there aren't many Star Wars jokes you can make that haven't been made a thousand times before by people with far sharper wit than you. Luckily for me, and for you, the esteemed reader, I'm not here to crack wise about Star Wars; I'm here to eat a box of Star Wars Cookies from 1983. This particular box is chocolate-flavored, and the cookies are shaped like the evil forces of the Empire. This is an absolutely terrible idea, but it is not my first time attempting something this stupid; in 2005, I consumed a box of Batman cereal from 1989 and a bottle of Sugar Free Pepsi Free from 1982. But at 26 years old, this will be the oldest foodstuff I have ever attempted to digest, and well, I've got a bad feeling about this. Being as I can see myself potentially dying during the course of this article or shortly thereafter, I have decided to give you a rare glimpse into my otherwise private life. So before we get to the part where I eat expired cookies graven in the image of Lord Vader, let's take a brief look at what it's like to be Syd Lexia.
This is my toilet. This is where I will likely spend several hours puking heavily after eating the Star Wars cookies. Under Massachusetts law, the most powerful toilet you can install in your home is a five gallon flush, so that is what this toilet is. Personally, I don't see what fucking right the state of Massachusetts has to tell me how powerful my toilet can be. It's *my* fucking water bill, and if I want to use ten gallons of water on every flush, that's my goddam prerogative. A lot of the time, five gallons of water just isn't enough; it doesn't provide sufficient force to make certain things go down the toilet. For example, especially chunky vomit. You may also notice that the left side of my toilet is unnecessarily close to the wall. This is because I hate dangerously overweight people and I don't want them desecrating my porcelain shrine. Get on a treadmill, you fat fuck.
This is my sister, Kris Lexia. She's been referenced several times on the site and she occasionally posts on the forums, but her character has never been explored. However, that's about to change. The upcoming SydLexia.com Expanded Universe novella In The Shadowy Shadows of Sexy Justice: Give Me Back My Fucking Wallet will formally introduce the character of Kris Lexia to the world. While I embark on a solemn quest of blood vengeance against the Georgian prostitute who stole my wallet, Kris finds herself home alone. After fending off sexual advances from special guest star Pauly Shore, Kris overcomes her fear of the basement. It is there, under a pile of Michael Crichton novels that I got right after the Jurassic Park movie came out but was never ambitious enough to read, that she discovers a dossier containing the shocking truth: she is a female clone of me, created when I was twelve years old, which is not even remotely similar to the relationship between Jango Fett and Boba Fett. Kris, as it turns out, was created because my parents were convinced I was going to get into the medicine cabinet, eat a bunch of fucking pills, and accidentally kill myself. I don't know why they thought that. They were odd people. They used to leave Post-it notes on my bedroom door: "Syd, your allowance is in the Demerol bottle in the medicine cabinet, underneath all those delicious candy-like pills. Love, Mom and Dad." They always looked a little disappointed when they'd see me later in the day, thumbing through the baseball cards I had bought with my allowance. I guess they didn't like baseball. But I digress.
Anyway, Kris Lexia is on hand to make sure I don't die. At the first real sign of trouble, she's going to use that bitchin' portable phone to contact emergency medical services. Well, unless one of her dumb little friends sends her a YouTube link and she gets distracted; then I'm pretty much fucked. Oh well.
This is Melrose-Wakefield Hospital. First established in 1893, Melrose-Wakefield Hospital is a 234-bed hospital located in Melrose, Massachusetts. It is the closest hospital to my house, and treatment there is authorized under my current health insurance. If Kris Lexia is forced to call 911, this is where I will be taken. As far as hospitals go, there's only one word that truly describes it: adequate.
This is Holy Cross Cemetery, a nice wholesome Catholic graveyard located in Malden, Massachusetts. It is the final resting place of Red Sox great Tony Conigliaro, that one guy who played Fredo in the Godfather movies, and two of my grandparents. And as you can probably guess from the giant green highway signs in the background, this is a VERY classy place. Being a nice wholesome Catholic boy, this is where I wish to be interred when I die. And should this cookie adventure go as badly as humanly possible, that internment could be happening sooner rather than later. In the event of my untimely and extremely idiotic death, you are all cordially invited to attend my funeral; Kris Lexia will post the details. It will be quite the spectacle, that I promise. I won't spoil any of the big surprises, but I will tell you this: the world's seventh best Bon Jovi cover band will play "Blaze of Glory" to open my funeral mass. Also, I would really like my own mausoleum, and it would be nice if you assholes could all chip in. Okay, enough stalling. Now that you've met my toilet, my sister, and my future resting place, I guess it's time for me to crack open this box of cookies.
Star Wars Cookies (Chocolate) contain no artificial colors, flavors, or preservatives. This was probably a huge selling point back in the day, but this is very fucking bad news for me. The lack of preservatives and chemicals in these cookies greatly increases the chance that these damn things will make me sick or end my life. This particular box of cookies has a "sell by" date of October 15, 1983. And while it is very important to note that a "sell by" date is *not* an expiration date, you should eat a food product within a reasonable window of time after the "sell by" date. Is 26 years later a reasonable window of time? Probably not, and it will never be a zombie movie. But that's not important right now. There were thirty cookies in the box, twelve of which were broken into one or more pieces. The rest of them were in surprisingly good condition. Well, aside from the smell. When I opened the shiny plastic within the cookie box, I was greeted by a distinctive chemical smell that closely resembles a fresh coat of a very low quality emulsion paint. Oh god, this is going to turn out badly. Please click on the button below to donate to my mausoleum fund.
Star Wars Cookies Chocolate: The Imperial Forces come in five different shapes. The most important of these shapes is, of course, Darth Vader. He may be a painfully obvious choice, but that's okay. Hell, it's more than okay, it's smart marketing. After all, this is a box of snacky treats aimed at prepubescent boys, many of whom had only a casual interest in Star Wars, not the fifth series of some goddam Kenner toyline. I don't know if Darth Vader was intentionally less common than the other cookie shapes, but there were only two Sith Lords in my box of cookies; both of them were broken. You may notice that there's a giant disparity between the color of the cookie on the box art and the color of the cookie in my photograph. This is, for the most part, not a result of the notoriously awkward lighting in my house; it is a result of the cookies being way too fucking old.
Next up, we have Jabba the Hutt. Jabba the Hutt is one of the most iconic characters not just in Return of the Jedi, but in the entire Star Wars universe. Being as this fat bastard once forced Princess Leia to wear the infamous golden bikini, I don't think anyone can argue that he is undeserving of being immortalized in cookie form. Well, they COULD, but they'd either be ignorant, a complete asshole, or both. Jabba was a great choice, and I am certain that his cookies were amazingly delicious when they were fresh. There were seven Jabbas in my box of cookies.
BEFORE I FORGET: Here are the box scans. You know you want them.
Let's see, so far we've got Jabba and Darth Vader, two of the most beloved villains in the Star Wars mythos. Can the next fun cookie shape live up to such awesomeness? Apparently not; it's Bib Fortuna. Bib Fortuna, for those of you who don't remember, was basically Jabba's doorman. Sure, he did all sorts of cool shit in the Expanded Universe, but when Return of the Jedi first came out, he was a complete fucking tool. Nobody fucking cared about Bib Fortuna in 1983. Hell, very few fans care about him now. And while I can sympathize with the desire to put a new character from the new movie into the cookie box, picking such a minor character was a poor choice, especially when they could have used Boba Fett instead. Oh well, maybe the next shape will be better. There were seven Bib Fortunas in my box.
Okay, what the fuck is this? The Emperor's Royal Guard? Those fucking douchebags in the hideous red outfits? Who the fucking hell though this would be a good inclusion? Picking shapes for Dark Side cookies should have been the easiest fucking job in the world. You want five shapes? How about this: Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Imperial Stormtrooper, Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett. That's a slam fucking dunk, right there. But do we get a Palpatine cookie? No. Do we get a stormtrooper cookie? No. That's right, the most ubiquitous symbol of the Empire's might apparently wasn't worthy of its own cookie. I know what you're thinking, maybe they put the stormtrooper in one of the other flavors of Star Wars Cookies. WRONG! Both other flavors of Star Wars Cookies, vanilla and peanut butter, showcased the Rebel Alliance. Fuck you, Pepperidge Farm. There were seven royal guards in my box.
Oh boy, I can't wait to see what other crappy shape that Pepperidge Farm has for me to eat. It's a Gamorrean, one of the pig-like guards from Jabba's palace. Sorry asshole, I liked you better the second time around when they put you in The Wind Waker and called you a Moblin. You know, it's pretty fucking weak that a box of cookies that claims to be "The Imperial Forces" has three Jabba-related cookies. Jabba is a galactic crime lord, and he is not aligned with the Empire in any meaningful way. In fact, Imperial forces severely interfered with his spice-smuggling operations and such interference was directly responsible for the bad blood between Han Solo and Jabba. And again, why the fuck did this guy get made into a cookie instead of a stormtrooper? Gamorreans are about as important in Jabba's entourage as Sexy Dancer #2. They should have made her into a cookie instead, because hey, sexy dancer. There were seven Gamorreans in my box.
NOTE: Please do not e-mail me with Sexy Dancer #2's name. I really don't give a fuck.
Taste Test #1: Cookies and Vodka
Now comes the part of this adventure where I actually eat some of these cookies. Being as the smell coming off of them alone is enough to make me nauseous, I've decided that vodka will be my first companion in this taste test. Vodka has a high alcohol content, which is very important to this trial for two reasons. First of all, it will allow me to get very drunk very quickly, allowing me to continue eating these cookies even if my stomach doesn't want to. Secondly, alcohol can be used as an antiseptic. Now obviously alcohol that is fit for human consumption is not as powerful an antiseptic as rubbing alcohol, but it could still be helpful in protecting me from some of the potential bacteria and fungi that could be in these cookies. Even if the vodka can't protect me from such things, I need to believe it does, because that's the only thing that gives me sufficient courage to proceed. I will now attempt to eat two of these cookies, a Jabba and a Gamorrean. Emergency room, here I come...
Holy fucking Christ in red patent leather shoes, this shit is awful. One sizeable bite out of the Jabba cookie proved to be more than I could take. My palette is not educated enough that I can sufficiently describe the taste of a 26-year-old cookie, but if I had to attempt to do so, I'd say it tastes like unadulterated human sorrow. That, or some combination of feces, mold, and rotten eggs, with just a slight hint of chocolate. And while I can't really tell you exactly what a really old cookie tastes like, I can tell you this: all the vodka in the world won't wash that taste out of your mouth.
Taste Test #2: Chocolate Cookies and Chocolate Milk
Two hours and one whole tube of Crest Whitening Toothpaste Plus Scope later, and I am finally ready to attempt a second taste test. This time around, I will be enjoying the classic snack of milk and cookies. The vodka is still nearby, purely for antiseptic reasons. I will now attempt to eat the Gamorrean that I didn't make it to last time around. Maybe this cookie will taste better...
MOTHERFUCKER. This cookie did not taste any better than the last one, and milk was a bad choice. I really wish I hadn't attempted to eat another cookie. It was quite clear the moment that first cookie hit my taste buds that these ancient baked goods were not something that I could safely ingest. And yet, I tried a second cookie anyway. What the fucking hell is wrong with me? I'm not even getting paid for this shit. Fuck.
Taste Test #3: Cookies and Water
The third experiment was going to be Star Wars cookies and Drinking Water brand drinking water, but that didn't happen. Every time I'd try to put a Bib Fortuna in my mouth, the smell reminded me just how completely fucking disgusting these things taste. I don't know if I can stress enough how awful these cookies are. Even under the threat of mutilation or death, I would not eat such an old cookie again. In fact, I would rather put on lipstick and star in a remake of 2 Girls 1 Cup than ever eat 1980s food products again. Unfortunately, it's a little late to be reaching such conclusions; I will most likely be dead by morning. My biggest regrets? I never finished beating Madworld, Twilight Princess, Resident Evil 5, or your mom.
Well... I guess I didn't die. It's only been three days, but I'm fairly confident I'm going to survive. I didn't throw up at all, but I did experience strong stomach discomfort and a complete loss of appetite for roughly 36 hours. During that time period, I drank about a gallon of water to keep myself properly hydrated, as well as five cans of Diet Coke to keep myself from going into caffeine withdrawal. I am pleased to announce that I am back on solid foods again, and unfortunately for my detractors, I'm afraid my vital organs will be quite operational for a long, long time. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep seeking out discontinued foods and eating them for entertainment of others; it's like playing Russian Roulette, only without the charity of a quick, painless death. So from this point on, the only 26-year-old boxes I will be eating will belong to girls. Human girls. Okay, maybe a few Twi'leks too. But that's it.
Posted by: Syd Lexia
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