Syd Lexia vs. The Addams Family Cereal

      Here it is, kids, the fourth and final June of Doom cereal review. This probably comes as no surprise to most of you, but it is yet another fucking Ralston cereal. Real fucking original, Syd! Yeah, I know. But the reality is that most of the best theme cereals were manufactured by Ralston. And the ones that weren't are near impossible to find. If I could find a box of Fruit Brute or Fruity Yummy Mummy, the comparatively short-lived entries into the General Mills monster cereal line, I would review those in a heartbeat. But you know what? I CAN'T. So instead, I'm stuck reviewing the creepiest cereal I could get my hands on, The Addams Family. The Addams Family cereal was released in 1991 as a tie-in to the movie of the same name based on the 1960s television series of the same based on the long-running comic strip of the same name. The movie was a major hit, becoming the seventh highest grossing film of 1991. In addition to the cereal, the movie spawned a 1992 animated series, a moderately successful 1993 sequel, a few different video games on all the major platforms of the time, and the best-selling pinball machine of all-time. So, the cereal has a pretty respectable pedigree. But how does it taste? I guess we'll see.


      In this picture, you'll notice a poorly tended rose bush that refuses to die despite years of mistreatment. You might also notice a giant fucking package. This is the package my Addams Family cereal came in. You might wonder why a box of cereal would come in such a large package. Do not wonder. All shall be revealed...


      Question answered. The package was giant because I got four boxes of the cereal. Why do I need four boxes of The Addams Family cereal? Easy. Because Ralston upped the ante. Instead of affixing one useless piece of plastic to The Addams Family cereal's box, they attached one of four useless pieces of plastic to the box in the form of collectible flashlights. I was able to find someone on eBay that was selling the sealed boxes as a set, so I totally snagged them. The shipping ($20) cost me more than the actual cereal ($15). Go figure.

UNRESOLVED ISSUE: Why does Syd have a Bobcat? Because he's a fucking badass, that's why.


      Here's a closer look at the four different flashlights. Out of the main cast, only Christopher Lloyd's Uncle Fester is represented. The other three flashlights are Lurch, Cousin Itt, and Thing. So if you've ever wished that your breakfast came with a free miniature Raul Julia, Anjelica Huston, Christina Ricci, or whoever the fuck played Pugsley, you're out of luck. But I'm happy with the choice they made. Thing, Lurch, and Cousin Itt are all pretty iconic, and Christopher Lloyd is fucking awesome. The man was an unstoppable force during my childhood; besides The Addams Family, he had starring roles in Clue, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Suburban Commando, and the Back To The Future trilogy. Then he starred in Camp Nowhere. Personally, I liked that movie. But you know who didn't? EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA. And that was the end of Christopher Lloyd's career. This world is cruel and unfair.


      I only need to open one box of Addams Family cereal. I'm only going to eat one bowl of the stuff, and if I keep the other three boxes sealed, I can resell them. As much as I'd like to open the Uncle Fester box in loving memory of Christopher Lloyd's career, the plastic on the Cousin Itt box is already partially ripped. So that one wins by default. I feel like I should make a joke about how the Itt flashlight bears uncomfortable resemblance to a dildo. I mean look at the damn thing; the little hat is icing on the proverbial dildo cake. I won't make that joke though, because I'm way classier than that. Moving on...


      When I removed Cousin Itt from the box, I noticed that he had a piece of tape attached to him to keep the flashlight from accidentally switching into the on position during shipping or stocking. This was a great idea, but it does me no good. Batteries expire after a couple years, so the AA battery inside the flashlight is long dead and Itt doesn't work. I don't have a screwdriver small enough to open Itt, but even if I did, it probably wouldn't do any good; the old battery has very likely corroded the inside of the flashlight and rendered it completely useless. I like that the flashlight instructions say that I have to use an Eveready brand battery in the flashlight. I bet Energizer or Duracell would work just as well, if not better.


      On the back of the cereal box is a free Addams Family movie portrait. I could scan the other ones, but it's not worth it. They're fucking movie stills. How exciting. This particular movie still shows Pugsley, Thing, and Lurch all sleeping together. That's not at all disturbing. I mean, if you had a son, you'd let him sleep with your butler and a disembodied hand, right? Oh, you wouldn't? Uh, me either. At this point, I'd like to thank Ralston for their helpful diagram. FOLD BACK, eh? I never would have figured that out on my own.


      Hey look, the cereal's out of the box. I guess we're almost to the eating part. The box says that the cereal has "a mysterious flavor that I'm going to love". I'm pretty sure the FDA has since authored regulations that require food manufacturers to be a little more specific. I'm also pretty sure I've seen that same pitch on a carton of cigarettes, right next to the Surgeon General's warning. I don't know what this so-called mysterious flavor is, but I really hope that it's not rat feces. Fuck. It's going to be rat feces, isn't it?


      The Addams Family cereal comes in three fun shapes: skulls, headless dolls, and Things. The cereal pieces seem to have maintained their physical integrity and they emit no odor. This is looking to be a throwback to the good old days when I ate bowls of Bill & Ted's Excellent Cereal and the Ghostbusters cereal and not at all like that horrible incident two days ago where I ate Cabbage Patch Kids Cereal and almost threw up.


      Well, here we are at the part where I eat the cereal. I know I promised death at the beginning of the month, but it's very unlikely that's going to happen. The Addams Family cereal, like most old school cereals, is quite high in sugar and is probably going to be quite edible. But maybe it won't be. Maybe I'll die after all. Or maybe I'll collapse and need to be rushed to the hospital. Hey, you never know! Let's see what happens.


      Nope, didn't die. Oh well. My description of Addams Family cereal is pretty much the same as my description of the Ghostbusters cereal and the Bill & Ted cereal: sweet. That's really the only word to describe it. There's no subtlety or finesse to the flavor, just a bland, overpowering sweetness. By way of comparison, Addams Family cereal is not quite as sweet as Bill & Ted but definitely sweeter than Ghostbusters. Words that I would use to describe this cereal include harmless and digestible; they do not include delicious.

     And with that thought, June of Doom has drawn to a close. I hope it was more fun for you than it was for me. I know I've said this before, but I am done with expired food products. I mean it this time. I will not ingest any more expired food products ever again. Not until next June, at least. Or until someone sends me a box of Nintendo Cereal System. Hopefully the latter. Thank you, loyal reader, for your time. Tune in next month, when I do new and exciting things that don't involve eating.


Posted by: Syd Lexia