"Since graphics get better with every generation, companies have realized that they can simply remake certified bangers from 10-20 years ago with updated textures and some extra costumes, add a quality of life improvement or two, and make some easy money."

"My favorite Tetris iteration is Tetris DS, which has a ton of fun modes and features for casual players, but which is reviled by serious players because it allows infinite spinning and holding."

"I am not a Tetris connoisseur by any means, so I was extremely surprised to learn that it is not only the 4th-best-selling NES game of all time, but also the best-selling NES game that was never bundled with the console with roughly 8 million copies sold."

"Surely, that must be the definitive version, right?"

"And barring that, surely, there have been both mechanical and visual advancements in newer Tetris games that render the NES game clunky and obsolete?"

"Other popular versions, such as Tetris The Grandmaster 3 and Tetr.io, both allow players to hard drop pieces, which speeds up the pace of the game considerably and renders it basically unwatchable to anyone who isn't a hardcore fan."

"The original Mega Man is a polarizing game for some."

"It's a charming game that sold well enough to warrant a sequel or two and, somehow, that snowballed into one of the most prolific franchises in video game history."

"Capcom avoided the temptation to streamline the games, so the Wily Wars version of Mega Man 1 not only used the old energy coin sprites, but it even kept the pointless scoring system that was never seen again."

"Zero Mission fundamentally misunderstands what made the original Metroid game great and, instead of leaning into its strengths, they transformed it into a subpar clone of the SNES game."

"This Capcom classic has been the subject of two separate stand-alone articles and it was named the 28th-greatest NES game of all-time."

"It was also going to feature all of the surviving voice cast from the show, including Scrooge himself, Alan Young, who was well into his 90s."

"And it had been developed by Wayforward Technologies, the creators of critically acclaimed games, such as Shantae and Mighty Switch Force."

"This was the last major project that television legends Alan Young and June Foray worked on before their deaths and it's absolutely awesome that they got this one last starring role."

"The game is full of pointless sidequests that make every level tedious and linear."

"In Transylvania, for example, Scrooge's nephews are kidnapped by the Beagle Boys and you have to rescue them."

"Four white spells don't work at all, whereas LOK2 raises enemy evasion, rather than lowering it."

"Weapons that are supposed to give elemental boosts, such as the Coral Sword, do not do so."

"Critical hit percentage is based off a weapon's index number in the game's code, rather than by the intended chances."

"Also, the game lacks automatic retargeting, which would be a huge improvement added in later Final Fantasy games."

"Eventually, you restore the four MacGuffins to their former glory, open the path to the end boss, and save the day."

""But, Syd, what about the bonus dungeons?""

"The NES version of Super Mario Bros. sold 40 million copies, which is an outrageous number, even by today's standards."

"To give some perspective, the PS2 sold 93 million more units than the Nintendo Entertainment System, but its best-selling game only sold 17.33 million copies."

" Level 6-3 was famously in grayscale in the original version."

"It was literally the most interesting thing about Level 6-3."

"All-Stars presents the level in full color because it's more interested in showing off how colorful the SNES is than it is in being a faithful adaptation of the NES game."

"Rather than offering up a bright sky, the SNES game uses gradients."

"One of the popular criticisms of Call of Duty is that, on consoles capable of a seemingly limitless amount of colors, Call of Duty uses one thousand shades of brown and gray."

" I will leave you with one grievance, though, one which I feel fully illustrates just how badly the All-Stars version of Super Mario Bros. missed the mark."

Also, welcome back, Syd.

Which just goes to show how long it's been. On that note:

"I'm obviously not gonna tell you in the fucking description."

"Today, I'm going to be reviewing another curiosity of the 1980s, a Milton Bradley board game based on the classic 1980 arcade game, Berzerk, by Stern Electronics."

"Berzerk was a smash hit in its day, as you might have guessed by the fact that I'm reviewing a tabletop adaptation of it."

"Part of that is because Nintendo and Namco actively use the Donkey Kong and Pac-Man IPs, whereas Stern Electronics went under in 1985."

"After all, Q*bert is still pretty recognizable in 2024, and it was released by the equally defunct game company, Gottlieb."

"You may think that's redundant, but it's actually not: the maze has electric walls for some reason."

"As previously mentioned, this game was a pioneer of speech in video games; the robots constantly shout things like "Kill the intruder!" and "The humanoid must not escape!" at you."

"Otto was named after a security guard at Stern Electronics who was a complete dick to the programmers, because apparently, even in the 1980s, all cops were bastards."

"Secondly, damage is completely symmetrical: anything that can kill you in this game can also kill the robots."

"This adds a considerable amount of depth and strategy to the game, since manipulating the robots to kill each other is a viable, if not superior, alternative to facing them head-on."

"Additionally, there is a maximum amount of enemy bullets that can be on screen at once, ranging from 0-5, depending on the robots' color."

"Consequently, the robots in the early stages of the game are often largely helpless while their available shots creep harmlessly towards distant walls."

"I picked this board game up probably not long after I picked up the Centipede board game, at a now-defunct comic book store where my brother used to work."

"Unlike Centipede, this game was sealed when I bought it."

"As you can see, it started its life at Kmart, where it sat on shelves through several markdowns."

"At some point long after that, it most likely made its way to the Revere Flea Market, where it was purchased by my brother's boss, who then sold it to me for $10."

"As you may have guessed from the fact that THIS IS A FUCKING PRODUCT REVIEW, my copy is not sealed."

"That, or we're looking at a brown brain-eating mold."

"The assembly itself is actually very minor, the problem is that there are stickers."

"Only instead of "HOME SWEET HOME", it reads "BERZERK: A MILTON BRADLEY GAME"."

"It is extremely tacky in a way that only existed in this one specific decade."

"This isn't your grandmother's wallpaper, though, your grandmother had way better taste."

"Hence why they didn't use that rather cool Atari manual art, either."

"In practice, though, the game ends when one player has outscored the other and their opponent has no humanoids left."

"The humanoid gets 10 points for each robot they kill, and they get 60 bonus points if they kill all six robots in a single round."

"If, at any point, the human player is successfully attacked by a robot or Evil Otto when they have a life remaining, the humanoid returns to its starting space; enemy pieces remain where they are."

"Thus, the core gameplay is as follows: accumulate points with your humanoid, and block your opponent from scoring points as Team Otto."

"Unlike the humanoid, the robots get kills by colliding directly with the player, rather than from adjacent spaces."

"He moves in a chosen direction until you run out of moves or until he hits the edge of the board."

"Not as fun as the arcade game, mind you, but much more fun than a licensed board game from 1983 has any right to be."

"Don't let anyone tell you there were three deaths: the Jeff Daily story is a hoax."