The Twelve Worst Christmas Songs Ever
The Twelve Worst Christmas Songs Ever
It's Christmas time, which means I have to do at least one Christmas-themed article or people will bitch. Consequently, I have decided to a list of the twelve worst Christmas songs ever. Now I know what you're thinking, that it's been done before. Yeah, I know it has. There are probably about a hundred sites that have ranked the worst Christmas songs ever. And I'm just talking about *legitimate* sites here, when you throw blogs, Xangas, and other bullshit sites into the mix, that number grows exponentially. But fuck of all them and fuck their mothers. I want to do my own list and I'm going to do it, dammit. So read it... please?
I have found that I generally hate Christmas songs. It's not so much that all Christmas songs are terrible; it's that for one miserable month out the year they all get heavier play than Kelly Clarkson on a Top 40 station. There are Christmas songs I used to fucking love such as "The Twelve Pains of Christmas" and "Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)", but when you hear them each twenty times within four days, they quickly lose their magic. And then there are the Christmas songs that were NEVER good. Songs that are so incredibly awful they make you wish you were Jewish, Muslim, Taoist, or better yet, dead, because those other people still hear shitty Christmas music when they walk into Macy's. The following is a list of such songs. Please help me track down all known copies of these songs and burn them.
12. Jingle Bells
Performed By: The Singing Dogs
Written By: James Lord Pierpont
Album: Jingle Bells (single)
Originally Released In: 1955
This one should be pretty self-explanatory. I mean, come on, it's a bunch of fucking dogs barking jingle bells. It's not funny, it's not cute, and once it's in your head, not even a bullet will get it out. Disagree? Go fucking kill yourself. The only good thing about this song is that I can play it in Mario Paint. If you're wondering why this song isn't higher on the list, it's because it's mercifully short. "Dogs Barking Jingle Bells" clocks in at about a minute and forty seconds, ending right at that exact millisecond where you start thinking to yourself that if you hear one more fucking dog bark, you're going stab everyone you know. But then it DOES end, no one gets stabbed, and you end up having the best Christmas ever. There are far worse Christmas songs than this. Eleven of them, in fact.
11. Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree
Performed By: Cyndi Lauper
Written By: Johnny Marks
Album: Merry Christmas... Have A Nice Life!
Originally Released In: 1998
In 1998, a full 12 years after the general public had stopped caring Cyndi Lauper, she decided it would be fun to release a Christmas album. She was wrong. Cyndi Lauper has one of the most annoying voices ever, and though it had become somewhat subdued by the late 90s, she admirably managed to record a version of "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" that rivaled older songs such as "She Bop" and "Time After Time" in terms of outright obnoxiousness. Lauper gives the song a decidedly reggae feeling, a rather odd decision considering that classic Christmas imagery is diametrically opposed to the warm Carribean breezes that such music often evokes. But the real problem with this song is Cyndi Lauper's insidious little vocal improvisations which don't quite qualify as scatting and certainly don't qualify as anything that anyone would ever enjoy listening to.
10. Last Christmas
Performed By: Wham!
Written By: Andrew Ridgely
Album: Last Christmas (single)
Originally Released In: 1984
If you've managed to avoid ever hearing this song, the record jacket above should give you a pretty good idea of how incredibly gay it is. In fact, I don't think any picture sums up Wham's career as accurately and succinctly as the original packaging for the "Last Christmas" single. In it, we see Andrew Ridgely wearing a ridiculous costume and making goofy faces while George Michael stares at him, his eyes filled with unfulfilled homosexual lust. That's pretty much all there was to them. With its excessive use of synthesizers and double-tracked vocals, "Last Christmas" is the embodiment of crappy 1980s pop music, a technological triumph of studio wizardry over musical substance. Not only did Wham perform this awful song, they also wrote it, which means they are also directly at fault for each and every dreadful cover version. Ironically enough, the song is actually *least* obnoxious when performed by Wham. The cover versions of "Last Christmas" almost universally lack the friendly pop sheen of the original version, opting instead to perform the song the way the lyrics suggest that it should be sung: as a painfully maudlin treatise on holiday heartbreak. So fuck you, Andrew Ridgely and George Michael. Fuck you for every fucking version of this fucking song that I've ever had to suffer through, especially the super whiny female versions.
9. Best Time of the Year
Performed By: Tom Chapin and some kids
Written by: Tom Chapin and Stephen Chapin
Album: A Cabbage Patch Christmas
Originally Released In: 1984
Have you ever wondered what would happen if the guy who wrote that song "Cat's In The Cradle" had a pair of less talented brothers? Well, he did and those damn dirty brothers of his wrote A Cabbage Patch Christmas, a collection of songs about Cabbage Patch Kids celebrating Christmas. Now, back when I was in the first grade, every classroom had a record player. And whenever wrinkled old Mrs. McHugh, who was in her final year of teaching, didn't feel like doing anything, she'd put on a record and make us dance for her amusement. In retrospect, she was a very lazy teacher and kind of creepy. At any rate, Mrs. McHugh (or perhaps it was the school) only owned one holiday album, and it was that goddam Cabbage Patch Kids one. So from Thanksgiving to Christmas of that miserable year, my class was forced to endure A Cabbage Patch Christmas on a near-daily basis. And every time she put record on, she'd start it on side one, track one, a satanic little ditty by the name of "Best Time of the Year". The chrous is permanently etched into my brain:
Cabbage Patch Kiiiiiiids!
Hanging up their stockings!
Cabbage Patch Kiiiiiiiids!
See them trimmin' the tree!
It's the best time of year for the Cabbage Patch Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiids!
As they celebrate Christmas just like you and me!
It won't go away. I've tried Xanax. I've tried hypnosis. I've tried massive amounts of Jack Daniels. The song won't leave my fucking head. And since I can't get rid of it, I might as well infect you with it. Listen to the song. Listen to a song that's little more than a commercial for a stupid doll that once caused parents to trample each other to death in a vain attempt to make sure that their kids got better Christmas presents than the neighbors' kids. Listen to a song that sucks harder than an ugly girl trying to prove she's cool by giving a couple of football players blowjobs in the woods behind the fieldhouse. And if you're a real masochist, you can download the whole album.
8. Winter Wonderland
Performed by: Kenny G
Written by: Felix Bernard and Richard B. Smith
Album: Miracles
Originally Released In: 1994
In 1994, Kenny G released his first holiday album, Miracles. You know, as in "it's a miracle that anyone could enjoy this garbage". If I'm going to put on holiday music during Christmas dinner, I want something energetic, something that'll fill people will Christmas cheer. The holiday music of Mr. Kenny G will not do that; it will put people to fucking sleep. You'll be passing the big serving dish with the Christmas ham on it around the table and then suddenly your grandfather will be facedown in his vegetable medley because Kenny G literally bored him TO DEATH. And the track that'll probably do that will be Ken's rendition of "Winter Wonderland", a piece so dull it could sedate the Ultimate Warrior. Fittingly enough, the last track on the Miracles album is the classic lullaby by Brahms. I wonder if Kenny saw the irony in that. You could retitle every track on the album "Brahms' Lullaby" and no one would be able to tell the difference.
7. Home
Performed by: Ne-Yo
Written by: Ne-Yo
Album: Now That's What I Call Christmas! Volume 3
Originally Released In: 2006
Personally, I've never understood the appeal of R&B. It's slow as hell and the singers are so fucking whiny they make Alanis Morissette sound like Elvis Presley. There are only three types of people who enjoy this crap: girls, idiots, and pussies. Ne-Yo's holiday song "Home" is a great example of why R&B sucks. Virtually indistinguishable from every other R&B song with male vocals, "Home" is the intolerably boring tale of a man whining about he wishes his baby's momma would come home for Christmas. Basically, it's like listening to a Kenny G song with some obnoxious asshole warbling over it. In fact, the reason this song takes the #7 slot is because it actually manages to bore me *more* than Kenny G. So fuck you, Ne-Yo. Oh yeah, and you should change your name to Ne-Ya, because then it would be an anagram for Enya, which is who this song sounds exactly fucking like.
6. Christmas Wrapping
Performed by: The Waitresses
Written by: Chris Butler
Album: A Christmas Album
Originally Released In: 1981
The Waitresses only had two songs that anyone ever gave a shit about, "I Know What Boys Like" and "Christmas Wrapping", both of which were annoying as hell. Singer Patty Donahue's grating vocals were the sort of thing that only some smug prick who works for The Village Voice or Rolling Stone would ever praise. You know exactly the type of asshole I'm talking about. One of those miserable bastards who when asked to name their three favorite recording artists will list off Prince, Miles Davis, and the Sex Pistols in order to showcase their oh-so-eclectic taste in music. A person like that will try and tell you that The Waitresses were an important New Wave band, but they'd be wrong; The Waitresses fucking sucked. And "Christmas Wrapping", their apparent chef d'oeuvre isn't so much a song as it is a monotonous monologue by a woman who can't laid set to the tune of elevator music. The absolute worst part of this song is the listless chorus: "Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! But I think I'll miss this one this year." If you can listen to this song all the way through without being suddenly filled an unstoppable homocidal rage, then you've got a stronger will than me. You've probably got stronger arms too. Wanna help me bury some bodies?
5. Funky, Funky, Xmas
Performed by: New Kids on the Block
Written by: Maurice Starr and Donnie Wahlberg
Album: Merry, Merry Christmas
Originally Released In: 1989
You know, pretty much every Christmas song recorded in the 80s was awful and the New Kids' "Funky, Funky, Xmas" ranks in as one of the worst. As someone who grew up not only in the 80s, but in the New Kids' home state of Massachusetts, I remember vividly the mass hysteria that ensued when Donnie, Joey, Danny, Jordan, and Jonathan broke it big. It was a horrible time to be in elementary school, and the 1989 holiday album Merry, Merry Christmas is a grim reminder of that time. Virtually every track on the album was retardedly awful, but "Funky, Funky, Xmas" stands head and should above the rest as the crappiest song on the album. Let's see, where to begin? First, there's the confusing and completely fucking unnecessary second comma in the song's title. Second, there's the obnoxious opening banter between Santa Claus and a gangsta elf named Train. Then, there's a cautionary story about a charred Santa delivered in a bad British accent. Finally, there's an excrutiatingly out-of-key refrain that implores you to have "a funky, funky Christmas". You know what? Just listen to the damn song. The awfulness pretty much speaks for itself.
4. Dominick The Donkey
Performed by: Lou Monte
Written by: Ray Allen, Sam Saltzberg, and Wandra Merrell
Album: Dominick The Donkey (single)
Originally Released In: 1960
I was raised Catholic and as such, I was always taught to be grateful for the things I had instead of spiteful over the things I didn't. Because no matter how bad things are, hey, at least you're not burning in Hell with Satan, Judas Iscariot, and all those unbaptized heathen babies. But over the course of my life, I have learned that there are far worse things than Hell. One such thing is cowardice; another is "Dominick The Donkey". The 1960 Lou Monte song is the story of a donkey named Dominick that Santa rides to deliver presents to the good Italian boys and girls "because the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy". Not only are the lyrics goofy as fuck, but the song is replete with bells and braying. Think back to "Dogs Barking Jingle Bells", then imagine something ten times worse; that's "Dominick The Donkey" in a nutshell. This song will make you pray for the sweet release of death. It may only be two and a half minutes long, but they will be the longest, most painful two and a half minutes of your life. This song was a strong contender for the #1 spot, but ultimately it's just not as awful as the three remaining songs...
3. Wonderful Christmastime
Performed by: Paul McCartney
Written by: Paul McCartney
Album: Wonderful Christmastime (single)
Originally Released In: 1979
When people say that The Beatles were a great band, they're lying; The Beatles were HALF of a great band. John and George were very talented guys, but Ringo was a shitty drummer. And then there was Paul McCartney. Oh, how I hate Paul McCartney. When left to his own devices, Paul McCartney can't write a good song to save his life, focusing his attention on such idiotic subject matter as silver hammers, bands on the run, and men named Rocky Raccoon. This is a man whose duet with Michael Jackson came dangerously close to ruining the otherwise flawless Thriller album. This is a man whose tribute to the September 11th attacks was little more than just him incessantly singing the word "freedom" over and over. But the worst song thing that Paul McCartney ever recorded was "Wonderful Christmastime", a synthesizer-heavy piece of aural feces recorded in the summer of 1979. Yes, that's right, Mr. Cartney was so anxious to release this stupid fucking song that he recorded it in July and had it on store shelves by November, so his moronic fans could hear him prattle on about children and bells. The success of this single marked an ominous end to the 1970s and helped to pave the way for shitty synth-driven bands music that would rise to fame in the early 80s such as Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Flock of Seagulls, and Dead or Alive. Thanks a whole fucking lot, Paul.
2. Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season
Performed by: Andy Williams
Written by: Irving Berlin/Kay Thompson
Album: The Andy Williams Christmas Album
Originally Released In: 1963
If Adolf Hitler had been a woman and good ol' Joey Stalin had repeatedly fucked him in his fertile German vagina, this disastrous Andy Williams medley of two holiday standards would have been their progeny. This is song is bad. Really, really bad. It's like someone with Tourette's Syndrome wrote a song and then replaced all the curse words with the benign nonsense. Here's a sample of the lyrics, try to imagine them being sung by some Perry Como-type motherfucker:
It's the holiday season
The holiday season
So hoop-dee-doo, and dickory dock
A don't forget to hang up your sock
'Cause just exactly at twelve o'clock
He'll be coming down the chimney down
Like I said before, it's like someone with Tourette's wrote this song and then substituted out all the swears. Now if I had to guess what sort of lyrics this bullshit could have possibly replaced, and I do, I would venture to say the original song went like this:
It's the holiday season
The holiday season
So tongue my balls, and suck my cock
Got no condom, so I'll use a sock
And then exactly at twelve o'clock
You'll be accidentally pregnant, bitch
If Andy had sung THOSE lyrics, this song would actually be fairly decent. Now, please note that I have nothing against Andy Williams personally. He is a nice guy, a talented singer, and he's still putting on shows to this day at his Moon River Theater in Branson, Missouri despite being almost 900 years old. Hell, his 1963 recording of "It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" is one of greatest holiday songs ever. But more importantly, my grandmother likes Andy Williams, so I'd feel really guilty if I launched into ad-hominem attacks on him. No, she doesn't read the site, but that's not really the point.
1. Do They Know It's Christmas?
Performed by: Band Aid
Written by: Bob Geldof and Midge Ure
Album: Do They Know It's Christmas? (single)
Originally Released In: 1984
Every once in a while, a musician feels so passionate about a cause that he or she writes a song to raise money for said cause. Since these songs are written to raise money for charity, it makes it all the more pitiable when they turn out to be enormous piles of crap, such as USA For Africa's "We Are The World" or Artists Against Apartheid's "Sun City". But the worst charity-based song ever written is "Do They Know It's Christmas?", the hit single recorded by Band Aid. Whereas the previous examples were written in earnest, Bob Geldof's message is downright patronizing. Lyrics that inform us that "there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas" are intentionally corny, gleefully penned by a condescending British musician to dupe those he considers his intellectual inferiors into throwing money at his cause. Of course there won't be fucking snow in Africa this Christmas. If there was, it would be environmentally catastrophic; the plants and animals indigenous to Africa are ill-equipped to deal with freezing temperatures. Also, I serious fucking doubt that all those starving Ethiopian children have warm winter jackets. Not only that, but Geldof intentionally misleads the listener into believing Africa is a barren desert "where nothing ever grows" and "where the only river flowing is the bitter sting of tears", neither of which is particularly true. Geldof knew this, of course, but he figured that the average English-speaking adult living in 1984 didn't. He very well may have been correct, but that doesn't fucking excuse him for writing a melodramatic, intellectually dishonest song and getting a bunch of obnoxious British pop icons to sing on it. In fact, both Paul McCartney and George Michael sang on "Do They Know It's Christmas", along with Phil Collins, Sting, Boy George, Banarama, David Bowie, Duran Duran, U2 and a bunch of other people that no one remembers anymore. You know, if someone had blown the studio while they were recording that song, I don't think there's a single person whose death I would have mourned. Well, I'd definitely miss David Bowie because he kicks major fucking ass, except that he wasn't in the studio with everyone else; he was busy, so he mailed in his vocal tracks. Unfortunately, Sir McCartney did the same. Oh well, at least all those other people would be dead. Anyone have a time machine?
Well, that's it. The twelve worst Christmas songs ever according to me. I don't really feel like writing anymore, so this is going to be the worst closing paragraph in the history of the site. Oh, and for all you Phil Collins, Paul McCartney, and Lou Monte fans out there, you can send your hatemail to the e-mail address below. I might not actually read it and I probably won't reply, but you can send it just the same. Good luck with that.
Posted by: Syd Lexia
12/21/07
