Dumb Guy Stuck In Video Game (continued)
We now return to your regularly scheduled review. When we last left Sophie and Ross, they had just run from Executioner Guy and hid behind a pillar. On their way to the pillar, they see the witch wandering around aimlessly on the other side of mall. Sophie opens the music box and makes it play. When she does so, the tiara disappears from the witch's hands. It doesn't appear in *her* hands mind you, but at least now the witch doesn't have it. So I guess that's something. But it's still a very fucking obtuse ability for an item to have.
Before Sophie and Ross set off in search of the tiara, Sophie decides to hide the throne in a trash barrel, explaining that they can't allow the bad guys to get both the throne and the tiara. No sooner does she hide then Executioner Guy comes back and tries to mace them some more. He misses, and the mace becomes stuck in the trash barrel. Ross is ready to make a run for it, but then Sophie insists that they can't leave until Ross retrieves the mace because they "need" it. Well, Ross doesn't cotton to that idea at all, but Sophie insists, telling him that he has to "play the game". So he grabs it, and they run off.
"Wait... this a game?"
Yes, that dumb fuck Ross actually says that. Apparently robots, executioners, witches, basic puzzles, and celebratory music weren't big enough fucking clues. Sophie then explains that she needs to be crowned to end the game. At that exact moment, they find the crown magically floating in the middle of the mall. Ross grabs it, but then...
Oh no, the witch is back! She can teleport and create powerful gales of wind. She probably has other powers too. How will Ross ever manage to defeat such a powerful being? How about by throwing his marbles on the floor, causing her to slip? You think I'm joking; I really wish I were.
But while Ross is busy fighting the witch, Primary Villain totally snags Sophie and the tiara. Sophie tosses the tiara on the floor and tells Ross to take it to the third floor. Before he can grab it, the crown starts moving on its own. Ross follows it back to the trash can, where he puts down the mace and picks up the throne. With both items in hand, the second escalator activates.
When Ross gets to third floor, the tiara turns into a crown. When Ross sees the crown, he finally fucking realizes that he's playing the pinball game and that to win, he needs to crown Sophie on the throne. He has a crown, but the throne is too small to be useful. At least, it was. When Ross takes the throne out of its box, it turns into a full-sized throne. Ross sits down in it, and it begins moving.
Ross goes on a super fun ride through the mall in his magic throne. The witch tries to stop the throne with a spiderweb, but her plan doesn't work. The throne runs her sorry ass over, finally killing her, and keeps right on going. It finally stops at an elevator where a new character, Wrestler Dude, is waiting for him. Wrestler Dude pushes a button and the elevator doors open...
Oh shit, it's Primary Villain! He throws Ross in the elevator, sending him back to the starting point. On top of that, Primary Villain now has the crown and the throne. If he gets crowned in the throne, it'll be game over. Ross needs a plan, and he needs one quick. Suddenly, he remembers his earlier encounter with the Derby Guys. Seems the bad guys are weak against water....
TAKE MACE (OK.)
USE MACE ON DISPLAY CASE (SMASH! You broke the case.)
DROP MACE (You throw the mace away.)
TAKE GUN (OK.)
USE GUN ON FOUNTAIN (You need to unscrew the water cells first!)
UNSCREW GUN (You remove the water cells from the Super Soaker.)
USE CELLS ON FOUNTAIN (You fill the cells with fountain water.)
FIX GUN (The Super Soaker has been reassembled.)
GO FIGHT THE BAD GUY (Just walk there.)
FUCK YOU I'M LAZY (Oh my! You kiss your mother with that mouth?)
NO I KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH (I don't know how to KISS.)
NEXT PARAGRAPH (I don't know how to NEXT.)
At this point, we rejoin Primary Villain's coronation, already in progress. The crown is mere inches above Primary Villain's head. He's about to win, and Ross is about to lose. Sophie looks on helplessly. Will Ross make it there in time to stop this madness?
Of course, he will. Ross bursts onto the scene and taunts Primary Villain. Being a completely cliche motherfucker, Primary Villain's ego won't allow him to win without first teaching his nemesis valuable lessons about the importance of respect and the depths of pain. Mostly just the pain though. But Ross has other plans...
He vaporizes Wrestler Dude!
He vaporizes the Derby Guys!
Hey, where'd Primary Villain go?
Oh shit, dude! He's right behind you... AND HE'S GOT THE MACE!
Well it looks like Ross has lost. Primary Villain broke his gun and he has him cornered. Ross is fucked. Hell, Ross is beyond fucked. There is absolutely nothing Ross could possibly do to win at this point. Nothing at all. Well, unless he cheats...
Primary Villain: You shouldn't play the game, boy, if you don't know the rules!
Ross: But this isn't a game! It's real! And when it's real, you can make up your own rules!
And with that, Ross pulls out a smaller water gun out from behind his shirt. Primary Villain slowly backs towards the thrown.
ROSS CAMPBELL WINS! FATALITY.
As Primary Villain vaporizes, he turns into the cheesiest looking regal robe I've ever seen. This was the last episode of the first season, so maybe the prop department had already fucking burned through the budget. I hope that's what happened. I sincerely hope no one involved with the taping of this show thought that robe looked cool, because it doesn't.
Ross has won! And as his reward, he gets to have hot, steamy sex with
Polly Shannon Princess Sophie. Okay, so Ross doesn't actually get sex as his reward. He gets a kiss. On the cheek. Like your fucking grandmother would give you. LAME.
The story is almost over. Sophie has the royal robe, throne, earrings, and necklace, so there's only one missing from this game of Pretty Pretty Princess: the crown. So Ross gives her the crown.
When the crown is placed on Sophie's head, the room begins to glow. Suddenly, there's a brilliant flash of light. Ross is going home! Ross is going home! Or, um, maybe he's not. When the white light dissipates a very confused Ross finds himself back at the game's starting point. He won, shouldn't he be free? Then, out of fucking nowhere, he hears Mr. Olson's voice.
"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mwa ha ha ha ha! You told me I could trust you, Ross, but you *had* to play the game, didn't you? Mwa ha ha ha ha! Hope you enjoy your free games, you'll be playing them FOREVER! Mwa ha ha ha ha! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Ross has been played. Mr. Olson knew that Ross was a lying douchebag all along, so he set a trap for him. All Ross had to do was not touch that one fucking pinball machine and he would have been fine. But he couldn't do it, and now he has to play the game over and over again until he dies. And now Ross is staring at a giant pinball. His response? A very unconvincing sigh of "uh-oh". Kid, you're stuck in a video game for the rest of your life and now that Mr. Olson has put some quarters into the machine, you're going to have to dodge a giant pinball too. You're fucked. Your life is over. You could at least scream.
And with that, Gary's story ends. Now that storytime is over, Gary gives David his Game Boy back. He's free to try and get the key. But after Gary's story about how video games are all evil and shit, David doesn't want it anymore, so he hands it to Frank. Frank doesn't want it either.
The Game Boy makes it all the way around the campfire circle, back to Gary, nobody else wants to touch it after the story. And speaking of the story, what the fuck, Gary? You're supposed to be the quintessential nerd. I mean look at you, you have glasses. We, the viewing audience, understand how shows like this work: kid with glasses = nerd. And your dad owns a magic shop, which you love. So what the fucking hell is wrong with you? Nerds love video games. And yet, you just told a story that convinced impressionable listeners that video games were the work of Satan. Why would you do that, Gary? Why would you maliciously defame a hobby that you're supposed to love? Do you truly hate video games?
No, Gary does not hate video games. As the others make their way home, Gary slyly slides the Game Boy into his backpack. That sneaky motherfucker just tricked David into giving him a free gaming system. Damn Gary, you're crafty. That's like some Jedi mind shit right there. With his new Game Boy safely tucked away, Gary looks at the camera, smiles, and says goodnight.
And with that, S01E13 of Are You Afraid of the Dark? concludes. Only four episodes in the first season had unhappy endings, and this is the only one where I remember actively rooting for the protagonist to get fucked over. Ross was so goddam stupid, he really did deserve to get trapped in that pinball machine forever. I mean, Christ, the fucking moron didn't even figure out he was inside the pinball machine he had JUST SPENT SIX HOURS FUCKING PLAYING until he had almost completed the game. How fucking dense can you possibly be? Anyway, I promise I won't wait another four years to bring you another review of the tales of the Midnight Society. In fact, you might see another Are You Afraid of the Dark? article lot sooner than you think. Well, unless you think you're going to see one tomorrow. If that's your expectation, fuck you, I'm not a goddam machine. In the meantime, here are some animated GIFs to keep you distracted. Bye now.
EDITOR'S NOTE: In the preceding article, the terms "video game" and "pinball machine" were sometimes used interchangeably. That is because the writers of this episode apparently considered the terms interchangeable. Until the very end, when Ross was confronted with that giant fucking pinball, the game he played bore far more similarities to a video game than to a pinball machine. Syd Lexia is well aware of the differences between video games and pinball and does not consider the two terms to be synonymous.
Posted by: Syd Lexia
YOU SAID I COULD TRUST YOU, ROSS!