We Ain't Cool is no longer in operation. This is a mirror of the article that I mention in my Hulk Rules review. The author has clearly mistaken the track "American Made" for "Real American", a mistake which no one who had actually bothered to listen to the album or had reasonable knowledge of professional would have ever made. Like most other lazy reviews on half-assed websites, this article seems to be replete with secondhand images, poor research, and stolen observations. - Syd Lexia
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Hulk Hogan and The Wrestling Boot Band By - Jacky-O

You've seen Hulk Hogan wrestle. He was your favorite back in the day, when he miraculously defeated Andre The Giant to become the WWF World Champion. You've watched Hulk Hogan's movies, from Santa With Muscles all the way to Suburban Commando. You've lobbied for Hulk Hogan to receive Oscar awards for his work in these fine pieces of cinema. But the one thing you probably haven't done is listen to Hulk Hogan's album! That's right, Hulk Hogan released his own album back in the day, and I'm here to give you a review of it!

There was something about Hulk that everyone liked... face it, the guy was incredibly popular from the early 80's all the way until the late nineties. It's only been in the past few years that the guy has fallen off the popularity charts. But Hulk Hogan MADE wrestling. And as such, Vince McMahon was no dummy... he realized that Hulk was a hot commodity and marketed the hell out of him. As a result, Hulk had incredible amounts of merchandise, got his own cartoon, and almost never lost. In fact, I never realized the long-standing effects Hulk would have on me... after all, look at the colour scheme for this site. Among this merchandise, Hogan released his own musical album, complete with him singing a few tunes on it. I'll bet by now you are wondering 'This album must have went platinum two hundred times over, why haven't I heard of it?'. Well that's a good question. But here it is, Hulk Hogan's foray into the music industry... Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band - Hulk Rules!

First of all, check out the sweet album cover. Of course you know that Hulk stood for everything that was right in the good old U. S. of A. in his heyday. Whether it was running threats to the national security such as The Iron Shiek or Yokozuna out of town or by waving the American flag, you know that Hulk was the epitomy of a patriot. Just take a look at that patriotic pose, showing Hulk in front of a waving American flag. If you were a terrorist planning on bombing the US Embassy, all it would take is one look at this picture and you'd know that you were messing with the wrong country. After all, who wouldn't be scared of a big guy with a mullet, decked in red and yellow, sporting sweatbands and a 'HOGAN' bandana? Of course, Hogan also has the powers of God on his side as you can tell by the cross hanging from his neck. And that Fu Manchu-style mustache? Whoah! Stay away, suckers! To top it all off, Hogan is buddies with Mr. T, having aligned himself with the fool-pitier himself way back in one of the first Wrestlemania's! Now you can't sit there and tell me that if you actually saw an album like this sitting on the shelves, that you wouldn't have bought it. Well, maybe not now, but when you were 10 you most definitely would have!

Hogan and Da T!

Now that you've seen the album, who are the masterminds behind this album? Well, upon further research, (looking at the back cover) you'll find out the the Wrestling Boot Band is as follows... Hulk Hogan is on bass and vocals! WOW! Hogan on bass, this gets better with every passing second! Linda Bollea has got vocals and piano covered... I'm guessing that this is Hulk's wife here, as Hogan's real name is Terry Bollea, so we've got a family affair on our hands! Jimmy "The Mouth of the South" Hart, the legendary wrestling manager notorious for always carrying around a megaphone, is on keyboards and vocals. Finally, JJ Maguire rounds out the band playing drums and vocals. This album had a release date of July 11, 1995, so that would have made me 14 when it came out. I guess Hogan was still really popular at this time, but I think he would have been better served putting this album out in either 1989 or 1990... after hearing the music, you'll know why. The record label that released this is Select Records? Never heard of them? That's probably because they more then likely went broke after producing this God-awful album.

Ok, enough talk, let's get into the action, tear the plastic wrap off this CD (or, in my case, download the album off Audiogalaxy and fire up Winamp), and have a good long listen at just how good Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band is!

Track Listing (Go to Audiogalaxy to download the songs!):
1. Hulkster's In The House
2. American Made
3. Hulkster's Back
4. Wrestling Boot Traveling Band
5. Bad To The Bone
6. I Want To Be A Hulkamaniac
7. Beach Patrol
8. Hulk's The One
9. Hulkster In Heaven
10. Hulk Rules

My first impression after skimming through all of the songs on the album was that there has never been a wider variety of songs on one album than there is on this one. The album starts off with a early Beastie Boys-ish guitar song, moves on into some cheesy 80's-synth style music complete with horrible female background singers, moves into some rap (yes Hogan raps on this album), goes into some slow ballads, and finally its got some Rick Astley sounding 80's tunes. Keep in mind that since this was released in 1995, its more then a few years past its prime. But Hogan is just showing us his vast range of musical skills, right? That's the reason why we've got such a range! So let's take a look at the intro song on the album, entitled Hulkster's In The House.

Hulkster's In The House sounds, like I mentioned before, an early Beastie Boys song. It starts off with this guitar riff, and some background singers chanting "THE HULKSTA'S IN DA HOUSE! CHECK HIM OUT, CHECK HIM OUT! GET UP OFF YO SEAT! HE'S GOT A BRAND NEW BEAT!" and then Hogan chimes in with a "WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GET ROUGH!". It's priceless, priceless stuff. Actually, Hogan repeats those lyrics about five times in this song, as this is obviously a song to get your foot tapping and fist pumping! We don't really get to hear Hogan's vocal range into later on in the album. When this song first started I was almost literally rolling on the ground with laughter, but when the singers started singing "WE'RE ROCKIN' DOWN DA HOUSE! THE BAND IS PLAYIN' LOUD! WE'RE BLOWIN OFF THE ROOF! AND WE'RE GONNA ROCK AND ROLL!" it just about did me in. I mean, these lyrics sound as if Hogan wrote them himself (and he probably did). How do you rhyme 'house' with 'loud' and 'roof' with 'roll'...they don't even sound alike! Oh well, this is the Hulk, and he can do what he wants!

The next song American Made, is none other than Hulk Hogan's entrance theme song when he was in the WWF. This song brought me right back to my childhood years when I first started wrestling. You knew that when that song came up, every kid was going to go apeshit because the All American Hero himself was soon coming out to kick some ass. This song is perfect for Hulk, with lyrics like "I am a real American, fight for the rights of every man!" and then breaking into some mean-ass guitar riffs. Who can forget the opening lyrics "When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, you've gotta be a man it don't help to hide!". Every time I hear it I can see Hulk strutting down the aisle, chasing Yokozuna out of the ring, and tearing off his Hulkamania shirt. Ahhh, memories! This song is the one saving grace of the album.

Now, I thought Bad To The Bone would be Hogan doing a cover of that classic mullet-rock song, but I was sadly mistaken. This is guitar-riff crazy song, and it sounds like Jimmy Hart is singing. This song is even more horrible then the first one. I was able to laugh at the first song and Hogan's horrible singing, but this song sounds like Jimmy is actually wanting us to take him seriously. Sorry Jimmy, can't do it... what this song really needed was the Junkyard Dog to come in and bang on some pots and pans, and Hillbilly Jim to blow on a jug. THAT would have made this song a classic.

The next song, I Want To Be A Hulkamaniac is incredibly hilarious. It starts off with this wierd techno beat and then these Vienna Boys-choir type guys start chanting "I want to be a Hulkamaniac, along with my family and friends" over and over again. Yeah, that's really the wishes of all my family and friends! Hogan really gives it his all on this song. If you listen to this song, its hard not to picture Hogan standing there dancing to this song. In my mind, he's doing the robot and trying to teach Andre The Giant to dance! Basically, this song is Hogan preaching to kids about all the things that make a good Hulkamaniac. It's filled with Hulk giving his sagely advice to us all. He tells us things like "Positive thoughts and positive deeds, these are the things that make you succeed", and "Can you feel the music, can you feel the beat? You don't need drugs to move your feet. When the dealer tries to push on you just tell him what you're going to do." Yeah, sure, whatever you say Mr. Hulk "Steroid User of the Month in 'Roids Monthly Magazine" Hogan! But no matter which way you look at it, this song is priceless.

Now its onto my favorite song on the album, Beach Patrol! Remember when I said Hulk rapped on this album. Well this is the song! The best thing about this album is that on every song you can get a great mental picture of Hulk in a music video. In this one, he's wearing a yellow hat backwards and spinning his turntables! Close your eyes and imagine Hulk in a video, and then ask yourself why Vince McMahon never gave Hogan the money to make some videos! Anyways this song is all about the 'rough and tumble' Hulk Hogan. You see, Hogan's walkin down the beach listening to a rap station, and he sees a girl who wants him to give her mouth-to-mouth rescesitation. You know what Hulk's getting at, don't you!! That sly dog! Later on in the song, someone starts messing with Hogan's woman, so Hulk gives us this warning "Whoomp there it is! Check it out, check it in, you'll be six feet deep in ya touch my girlfriend! You know this homeboy, you lose control, you just don't mess wit da BEACH PATROL!" If you decide to download just ONE of these songs, this is the one to get.

Hulk's The One doesn't have much going for it. Basically its just Linda Bollea talking about how Hulk's the one for her and crap like this. It's pretty bad. This song sounds just like Rick Astley! I thought that it was a guy singing until I found out that Linda was singing. I guess this is Hulk's idea of a love ballad, and in that case it is actually quite funny.

Hulkster in Heaven ranks as my third favorite song on the album behind American Made and Beach Patrol. This song will give you the second most laughs on the album. I really like how Hogan put his name into almost every single song on this album. This song really spotlights Hogan, as he solo's it the whole time along. He does his best to make it a respectable ballad, but with lyrics like this song, how can you not laugh? "I used to tear my shirt, but now you tore my heart... I knew you were a Hulkamaniac right from the very start". Or how about, "I read it in the paper, I saw it on TV! I guess there'll be one empty seat, when I wrestle at Wembley." This song put a tear in my eye... not because its sad, but because I was laughing so hard. The whole song has to do with the death of one of Hulk's fans I guess. And Hulk wishes that his love could bring again. But alas, that cannot happen, so Hulk will see him again in Heaven. Hogan's songwriting skills are on showcase here people... and boy, they sure aren't that great!

Finally, we've got Hulk Rules! The title track to this album! It's a fast paced song with a funky drum beat. Old JJ's going crazy on the guitar! I'm not sure who's singing but I'm guessing its JJ. WHOAH, THE HULKSTA RULES! That's how the chorus goes. This song is all about how great Hogan is, and if you step into the ring 'he'll rearrange your teeth'. Man oh man, if I didn't know how great Hogan was before I sure do know. This song tells me that he'll stand up for my freedom and my rights, and he'll be my friend if I'm in trouble! What an class act Hulk is! But what's that I hear? YES, it is a saxophone solo right in the middle of the song! If I wasn't convinced that this album was a classic, I am after hearing the sax solo. Every great album has to have a song with a sax solo.

Ratings for Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band - Hulk Rules. Scale of 1 - 10.

Quality of Lyrics : 2. If you thought Hulk's acting was bad, just wait until you hear him sing! But the lyrics are still better then any N'Sync album.
Quality of Music : 2. So is the music.
Monetary Value : 10. Hey, you can get this album for like 3 bucks on e-bay. For the laughs that it produces, that's one hell of a steal.
Listening Experience : 8. I couldn't stop laughing during these songs. If anything makes me laugh out loud like that when it's supposed to be serious, its well worth listening to again.
Overall : 5. Nostalgia factor raised this a little bit. It's something to laugh at, if nothing else.

Total : 27 out of 50.

Go get this album, BROTHA! Click here to hear what Hulk has to say about this album!



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