Today I'm going to poke fun at suicide, and before you get all cantankerous and "well I NEVER!" on me keep some things in mind.

1. I had a close family member commit suicide.

2. I am fully authorized and allowed to make fun of suicide, because my psychiatrist Dr Wigglefarmer has assured me that humor is a valid coping mechanism and mocking the dead will clearly sort out any issues I have, but only after I threatened him repeatedly with a large rusty pipe wrench.


People who commit suicide do it in boring ways, I for one think that if they're going to do something so monumentally stupid selfish and obnoxious as essentially ruining their credit to buy the farm early they should probably find an interesting way to do it, instead of trying the same old boring crap.


If you ever feel the need to hit the reset button and aren't dissuaded by a loved one or common sense, please consider the following hilarious alternatives to the boring everyday methods.

When it comes to jumping from a tall building, try it dressed up in a Super Man Costume, or if you're more of a Marvel fan you could dress up as Spider Man. Or an Angel if you're feeling particularly blasphemous. You could also try a home made hang glider fashioned out of plywood plastic sheeting and duct tape.

If hanging is more your thing be sure to craft a pinata suit filled with candy and lay some sticks out before hand. String some banners and leave out a lit birthday cake if you're a real asshole.

If shooting is more to your style dress up like Harry Whittington, and craft a Dick Cheney puppet for your gun hand. (sorry this one is kinda lame, can't think of anything else)

If you're going to be all emo and sissified about it and decide to cut yourself, don't write angsty crap on the wall with your own blood like a crybaby goth douche, write something snarky like HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT? . I'll be sure to figure out a way to work WE SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE into your eulogy. You could also try and win some sort of world record by inflicting a fatal paper cut. Also please consider smearing the word FAIL across the wall, you'll totally make the internet rounds with that one.

Perhaps you're one of those mega jerks that is going to run in to traffic, forever ruining some total stranger's life by merging with their car at high speeds in a macabre demonstration of physics. At least have the courtesy to dress up like Bigfoot or the Wolfman and do it late at night so they think they hit some kind of monster.


A distant cousin to the above ass hat wearing form of self destruction is the so called suicide by cop method. Try to diminish the the anguish the officer will likely feel for dispatching you by going in to your rage fueled stand off dressed as the Hamburglar. the swat team that arrives might be so baffled that you may end up living through this one. Don't do it at a McDonald's though, try a Burger King for maximum mindfuckery. Acceptable runners up include the Easter Bunny or one of those denigrating banana suits.


Drowning can be improved by dressing as Aquaman, or wearing those little arm floaties. Face down in a puddle, or a bowl of cereal.


I can't seem to think of anything funny for poisoning or asphyxiation to save my life. HAR DEE HAR HAR!

OH I got one, dress up like Hancock and try to stop a moving train!

Well that raps up my reprehensible and vile post for the day, in keeping with the theme of being a jerk here's a classic quote to cap everything off.


"I was really into bestiality, sadomasochism, and necrophilia, but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse."

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING BANANAPHONE!

The Hulkster's in the house
Check him out, check him out
Get up off your seat
He's got a brand new beat

CHORUS:
When the going gets tough
The tough get rough
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!

The Hulkster's in the room
You know he's on the move
I can feel it in my feet
We're moving to the beat

CHORUS

CHORUS

We're rocking down the house
The band is playing loud
We're blowing off the roof
And we're gonna rock n' roll

When the going gets tough
The tough get rough
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!
Hey hey, ho ho, come on, let's go!